Craig Baltz's Blog

Craig's personal ramblings

Craig’s Christmas Request for Federal Bailout Funding

Posted by craigbaltz on December 25, 2008

(I apologize in advance for the excessive use of parenthesis)

This is my request for federal bailout funding. I am requesting that the federal government bail me out or else my company (me) will fold causing an immeasurable amount of damage to the nationwide economy. (It is actually a ZERO impact on the nationwide economy, but I thought immeasurable sounded more desperate). I am asking for .0002 Billion dollars. (To the rest of us that’s $200,000, but since billions seem to be the commonly used starting point – I’ll communicate in the terminology they seem to understand). (Isn’t it funny that $100 million dollars means nothing to these companies??)

I realize that documenting what the funds are to be used for doesn’t seem to be a normal requirement for the dispersing of taxpayer funds, but I will disclose what the funds will be used for. I would like to take a year off to finish off my education, clear my head, and develop my plan so I can best move forward to be a productive company. I will be vacationing in Europe extensively at that time, and taking an attractive assistant with me. I will be accepting applications for that position shortly but the requirements are very strenuous. I demand at least a high school education and the ability to make a decent margarita. You will be required to tolerate my love of rugby, poker and Jaegermeister. Looking stunning in a tennis skirt and a love of travel will be considered as bonus points in applicants favor. Your responsibilities will include accompanying me to Italy, France, Great Britain, Germany, Holland, and perhaps if time allows to the Nordic countries. (It would be nice if you would bring a nice wardrobe of lingerie as there will be lots of lounging time). I will provide an ample salary, and pay all expenses including food and room (possibility of sharing with me to be negotiated later) spa visits, etc. (For those that see this as sexist, I am simply mocking the bailout funds and the excesses of CEO’s that have abused our tax dollars. I would NEVER require that my assistant have a high school education :0) )  Please send applications to  Make sure you include your resume, pictures (remember the tennis skirt…) and your best margarita recipe.

At the end of one year I will pay the funds back in a lump sum payment on Jan 1, 2010, plus 10% interest and let’s say an extra $25,000 just to show my appreciation to the federal gov’t and the American taxpayers for being so generous. I will pay back .000245 Billion dollars on 1/1/2010. I swear. ( I actually have no real intention of paying the funds back as I will certainly declare bankruptcy at the end of the year before moving my new company forward).

Please deposit the .0002 Billion dollars to my checking account by 1/1/2009 so I can start the new year happily and have full use of the funds for a year as I would like to start recovering and planning my personal bounce back to this horrible recession. Don’t forget this will create 1 new job (my assistant) which could be just the stimulus needed to get the country back on track. Thank you very much.

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One Response to “Craig’s Christmas Request for Federal Bailout Funding”

  1. This has to be one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. How much money do I get. Well I’m married so that means I get .0004 Billion. This will be a very nice golf trip for my buddies and I.

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